Holiday Time

Well, the tree is up! Thank you to my sister for lending us her tree when we lost a major part of ours! lol  and the lights are hung up outisde! The house looks so pretty with the lights on the lawn and the tree in the window. There are times I pull in my driveway and think, "Wow, I really do live here!" I have worked so hard to keep our home and some months it is a struggle to keep up but I could not imagine us living anywhere else. We moved into this houe when my youngest daughter was 3 months old and now she will be 8 next month. So many memories cherished and memories I wish I did not have. Although I would not be the person I am today if I had not gone through the good and bad times. As the end of the year approaches I often tend to reflect, not only on the past year, but on my life. I am unsure if this a sign of aging or just gaining wisdom, maybe alittle of both? I often feel wistful about some of the things I feel I could have changed, a different path I could have taken. I really do believe that God gives us choices. The path is yours for the choosing. I look back and think if I would have done one thing different and wonder how it would have affected my life. Would I have my children? Would I feel as independent as I now do? Would I have the self-confidence I now feel? Some many thoughts race through my mind. Would I have been happy? Would I be on a cruise with my millionaire husband, my perfect children in college? lol NAHHHH!! I will gladly take the life I have now and you know why? Because the 2 little angels sleeping upstairs would not have it any other way! and they are the only reason I have survived!

Life is good, thats what they say!

am i the only one that feels pain? I hate my mother and sister for supporting my alcoholic sister and brother-in-law. I hate acting like it doesn't affect me. I hate trying to remove myself from the situation and I really cannot! I hate that she is an alcoholic. I hate that she did not raise her children. I hate that she cannot pull herself up and out of her pity! What makes one person stronger than another? I There are days, weeks! I would love to lose myself and feel like I don't care. I have become a master of disguise. A master at hiding how I feel, what affects me, my life, my childrens lives. Then I think am I the only one? People ask each other every day, how are you? Do they really want to know? Would it surprise someone if I broke down in tears and revealed the pain and hurt that I truly feel? I know I am not the only person in a dysfunctional family but how do you change it? I feel some days like just ditching it all! If not for my children and the love I feel for them I think I would have lost it! I love them so much I cannot catch my breath at times. I look at them and think there are no words! no words that can describe how beautiful they are, how truly spectacular they make me feel! The love I feel from them, the smile when they see me after work like I have been gone forever! How can one person possibly love another so much? I look to the heavens and thank God for saving me.

My daughter was alittle past 3 years old. I heard her crying, waking up from a nap. I ran up the stairs to comfort her. I held in my arms and told her, "Angelina, it's okay, mommy's here!" She looked at me as though she were awake. Her eyes piercing through me, so much love, so much trust. As the tears rolled down her face, in her semi-sleep, she placed her little arms around my neck and held me so tight tears came to my eyes. She looked me in the eyes and said, " Mommy, I was flying in the sky for so long I thought I would never find you!" "For so long, Mommy, I was looking for you, I'm so glad I found you." I will always remember that day, that feeling that God chose ME, trusted me to be a mommy to one of his angels. Yes, life is good!

Menopause

Yes, the big M! A blessing and a curse! I am done!!! YES!!! lol No more! Finite! Finished!! Game Over!!! lol I have noticed the changes in my body over the past year, some good, some not so good. The insomnia I can deal with. I have not been much of a sleeper anyway the past few years. I have become an expert on Bridezilla and Jerseylicious. The reruns are on late at night and it is mindless tv so I watch, then channelsurf, then go back and watch some more. The hot flashes get me at times. It feels like a warm blanket wrapped around me and I can't get out of it! I can feel the flash creep up my arms, up my neck until my face is red and I'm like"Whew!!!" It doesn't last too long but they are frequent. The moods really bother me! I finally called my doctor and he suggested I go on hormones. He seems rather blase about it. I asked enough questions but he still think sit is the best way to go. He said all the symptons; hot flashes, insomnia, moods, are all part of loss of estrogen. Who knew? I have the prescription but am still not sure. The moods come almost like a cycle. I was a mess last week and now feel like me again. I had a talk with the girls about it. I let them ask me questions and tried to answer the best I could. My 7 year old said she knew something was wrong! lol They said I look like a chicken when I get that angry and my hands are on my hips and my head is bopping around. We all laughed picturing it and them imitating me. I think we will all survive the big "M" due to our being able to sit and talk to each other and laugh about things later. Yes, we will survive!

Guilt

UGHHH! I am so completely frustrated! So I allow their father to see them. I tell him when their games are, I pick him up from the bus, buy us all pretzels after the games, yes, "I" buy! so I ask him to watch the girls at my house as he can't have them at his house with his other roommates. He is on ISP, which is Intensive Supervision Program, like an early release program but you are watched and have a curfew. Basically the state is babysitting him! He says sure, he will stay all day with them. I have class saturday morning and a TON of homework to get done. Why did I really expect him to follow through? By 2pm he is telling me, "Yo, I gotta get going." A$%#H()&!!! yes, that was my thought! so now I figure let's roll with it. The girls and I will hang the rest of day, get stuff done for Halloween, clean the house, etc. I tell them on Sunday I HAVE to do my homework. I really need them to behave, play quietly, and get along. Yes, Mommy, they tell me. "We can do that."

Well, I guess we all know by this post that it did not happen! I kept trying to concentrate, starting and stopping from them bickering, separating them, bickering again, turn offf the tv, bickering again! Finally I admit it, I fu%*#ng lost it!! Even thinking about it now I feel frustrated and guilt-ridden. I screamed like a maniac and man, can I scream when I get going!! My voice got deeper, my face turned red and I swore I was dropping dead of a heart attack! I told them to get their ass dressed, yes, I cussed at them! (Good mommy!) and to get their ass out of the house! Ok, OK, I admit it, I told them to get the fuck out!! I truly lost my mind! I was shaking so bad I had no idea what to do with myself. They had until I counted to 30 to get dressed. It was actually about 2-3 minutes of me screaming and them racing around the house to get dressed. They walked outside, looking at me like I was a monster and I did not even care! I was crying, felt like I wanted to go away and never come back. I cannot explain the desperation I was feeling to get away from everything! I wondered what I had done to myself. Did I really need my degree? Did I need this extra stress? This bullshit? I kept coming back to the same answer, Hell, YES!! I have to do this. I will not struggle for the rest of my life. My girls deserve better, yes, the same girls I just locked out of the house. Yes, I locked the door as soon as they were out it! and yes, I realized it was cold and threw out hats and mittens and screamed, "Here, put these on, it's cold!!" as I sunk to the floor sobbing

So there I sat on the floor for about half an hour, just crying, shaking, wondering what the hell was wrong with me. I finally stood up, pulled my shoulders back, took a deep breath, and yes! I had a glass of wine. As I look out the window I see my girls, my 2 beautiful, wonderful daughters, playing, laughing and waving at me, yes, waving at me! smiling, throwing me kisses even! Now if that isn't guilt I don't know what is!!

Out in the dating world!

UGH! is all I can say! I am so tired of meeting these men that have absolutely nothing to offer except the obvious! lol I hate that they ask me for money, ask me for a ride, and the best of all is when they tell me they are married but the marriage died a long time ago! Are you serious? I have no clue where to meet an eligible man. I sometimes wonder if I should even waste my time thinking about it, let alone worrying about it. It would be nice to have a companion, a partner, someone to hold hands with, laugh with, discuss life with over dinner, the paper over breakfast. It feels lonely sometimes and even though my life is busy, I think is this it? Is THIS really all there will be? What happens when they grow up, which will be quick, will I sit here alone? I tried the online dating and found lonely, desperate men worse off than me and didn't even realize it! We all need to be loved and feel loved and comforted, cared for and nurtured. The men my age have children out of college and already have grandchildren. I had my first daughter at 40 and my other daughter at 42. I just had to wonder am I the only single mom or person that feels this way? I can't possibly be alone but what do we do about it?

Allowing DV to overcome me

I have been thinking more and more about just good life my life is! When everything exploded 4 years ago and the girls and I went through counseling, the "incident," as I now call it, seemed extremely overwhelming. I reflected back on so much of my past and all of the abuse and violence I allowed myself to endured. Yes, ALLOWED! I could have walked away from alot of it and I think at the time, I felt deserving of it. My life was in a shambles. I was drinking alot, partying, not living my life, merely just existing on the sidelines of my own life. I had no goals, no aspirations. I felt insecure, lonely and worthless. I played the game, laughing and joking with people around me, acting like I knew what was going on, like the people around me really gave a shit about me! Their father was not the first abusive relationship. I seemed to seek them out, had in written on my forehead, "Please abuse me!" I would sit, drunk as hell and cry to anyone who would listen how my first husband held a sawed off shot gun to my head and dared me to cry, I would make friends with anybody I met just to have someone to talk to. I didn't care if they used me. I just wanted somebody, anybody to listen to me!! I was screaming for help but could not actually say the words, "I need help!!" The first year after "the incident," as I had previously mentioned, we all went through counseling. I threw myself head first into it. I was so tired of feeling hurt, being sore, having doctors or nurses look at me like I was so stupid, lying to people and seeing in their eyes that they really knew the truth. I constantly talked about the counseling. I wanted to save everyone that was involved in a DV situation. I joined groups, I spoke at the opening of a house in Glassboro for victims. Then after awhile I realized all I needed was to find ME, just plain old simple me, who I was, what I wanted, what I needed, what I cared about, what I like, disliked. I no longer wanted DV to define who and what I was. Yet it is such a huge part of my life, DV made me the woman I am today! I am an attractive, strong, secure and independent woman! and yes, I most definitely have survived!!

Accepting their dad back in the picture

so their dad went to jail, court dates, testifying, and moving on with our lives. So very hard but I have never pictured myself a weak person. I just always thought I could "fix" him. He has been out of jail over a year and even took me to court for visitation. I used to think, "well, if he was dead I could at least collect his social security." that seems so cold now to wish their father dead. They would never know him, always wonder what he was like, what traits they got from him, pictures are not enough. So now I allow him to see them. I still have restraining orders for all of us but what do you do when you see your daughters eyes, filled with tears, asking you, "why can't I see my dad?" "maybe daddy is better now." It hurts when I see him. I try to look past it and have become good at hiding my feelings. My daughters do not have the same memories I have. I NEED to remember that. He never pushed them down the steps, choked them, punched them, looked at them with eyes so black and lifeless I could not look away! They do remember the last time as they were involved. He screamed at them, " Tell Mommy good-bye" I was laying on my back, on the floor, his foot on my throat, half-conscious, tears running down my face, screaming to my daughters "GET OUT OF THE HOUSE!!" My 3 year old crying and my 5 year old racing to the back door. She knew where I hid the spare key, I had taught her well! We have dead bolts on all the doors, he took all my keys, thinking he had me trapped. I WOULD listen to him NOW! I would NOT take leave his family away! I never knew my brother had decided to stop over to pick up his dog early! A knock! Banging! my brother screaming, my 5 year old crying outside the door, so far away! as I lay huddled covering my 3 year old on the floor, him pacing back and forth, knives in his hand. Hearing the sound of sirens! thinking My God, what did I EVER so wrong? It all seems so long ago. He is off the crack now, working, paying child support, telling me he does not remember. Yet he does not realize I have enough memories for all of us!!

Insecurities

Ahh, good old insecurities! Who doesn't have them? Does my hair look okay? Did I gain weight? Am I doing what's right for me in my life? Is my house too dirty? There are days that I feel as though I question every little thing I do or say! I was watching a show last night called "Strange Sex" and the couple amazed me! The man encouraged his wife to gain weight and they were attempting to have her weigh 1,000 lbs.!!! Yet here I sit overweight and struggling every damn day to NOT get tooooo big! As I watched the show psychologists came on and stated that it is actually a form of control!! The  goal of both the husband and wife was to have her so heavy that she would actually become immobile! She actually was looking forward to it! and I thought I was bad! lol I honestly think I am at the point that it is hard to meet a man. I feel so independent! I have my own home, vehicle, a decent job, so quite honestly, why deal with the crap? Yet I still meet men, cry when I get my feelings hurt, get disgusted and think why do I do this to myself? and next thing you know I am meeting someone new! I wonder at times why I feel the need that a man should be in my life? Are they really that important? Seriously, besides the obvious, what can he do for me? My ex used to scream how fat I was, how I would NEVER find anyone else. I wonder if that is why I still seek out someone? To prove see, yes, I can get someone else? It makes me wonder at times. Just more of my after-kids-are-in-bed rambling! lol

Another night of homework

Here I am again! Once again getting the girls to bed and doing homework, the only silence I feel I get out of the whole day! I love it! I feel so good that I am doing something so good for me and the girls! I used to feel self-destructive and not productive! My girls have given me a second life, a second chance to repair my life and be able to really enjoy all it has to offer. It is nice to walk home from the train and think what we are having movie night! We all snuggle on the sofa and eat popcorn, sitting as one, our bodies intertwined. How comforting! It makes feel like, can't really think of the right word, so many come to mind! The closest I can come is "complete." Yes, I feel complete knowing I am teaching them the right things and probably a few wrong things too! But I know I am trying my best and when the house is full of my two girls and all of their friends from the street, running around on the lawn, making a lemonade stand, sitting around in their bathing suits eating ice cream and laughing, running over to give me a hug! Yes, the homework is well worth it!

Whew! another crazy saturday!

This was today's schedule. I can understand if you feel tired by the time you are done reading it! lol We woke up at 7:30am. My children both do soccer and today was picture day. 7:45am, toast, eggs and juice as we are putting on shoes and socks. At the field at 8:30am. Pictures taken at 9:15am. Game starts early at 9:40am. Leave field at 10:50am. Home by 11am to get 7 yr old ready for a birthday party, snack, shower, dress, and drive her to the party  by 12:30 after I comb out her hair as it is a beauty salon party. The 9 yr old is out playing and thankfully out of my hair! lol Back home by 1pm after the drop off to get the 9 yr old ready for her cheer. Shower, hair!!!!!!, uniform, where are those damn socks??!!! pick up the 7 yr old by 3pm, 9 yr old , yes, at home, still looking for the damn socks!!! pack a bag, water, juice, snacks, are the chairs in the van? pick up the 7 yr old friend who is sleeping over tonight at 4pm, leave the house at 4:30pm for the ride to Pennsville, NJ. Arrive at 5 and keep the 2 seven year olds entertained and , of course, fed by the overpriced snack bar for 2 hours while rooting for the 9 year old cheering! Leave at 7pm for the ride back home, now dropping off a cheerleader friend in the next town and stopping at WAWA for hot chocolate since it is soooo cold they all tell me. I think they just wanted the hot chocolate! lol Walk in our front door by 8:30pm, they are STILL hungry! and the 2 seven year olds now want to get a bath! why say no? sure, in the bath they go! sit with my sister for about an hour, well, really, she keeps me company while I clean up the kitchen, run up to check on them in the bath and talk to the 9 yr old abut her school project! My sister leaves at 10:30 and it is time to sign on and try to get some homework done! WHEW!!! Seer you tomorrow! oh, wait! I have to get the girls to bed! lol Good night!

Need to apologize

Hi, I need to apologize! As I read over my posts I realized that I was dwelling on the past. I named this blog Living After DV to talk about what life has been like now that I am "DV Free" as I like to call it! lol The last incident was 4 years ago, August, 2007 and I cannot begin to describe the joyful moments my children and I have experienced since then! A police officer that evening gave me information for a program called "PALS" conducted by The Center for Family Services in Camden. PALS is an acronym for "Peace: A Learned Solution." It was the first time I had ever heard of this program. I am grateful that the police officer had the insight and knowledge about the cycle of domestic violence and offered me this valuable information.

My children and I attended 6 months of twice weekly meetings, broken up into various age groups. I had never realized how far reaching the pain of DV truly reached! We were not so alone! There were families there just like us; emotionally scarred, physically bruised and broken, shocked into reality by the anger and violence of another. HOW WONDERFUL!! I LOVE PALS! They helped me to understand so much! I know it was information I had heard before over the years, in the hospital, at the police station, by friends, and family but now I was READY to hear it and LEARN from it! It is almost like an addict reaching bottom. You have to be ready to leave, ready to change, ready to survive!

Another sleepless night

Hi, I am not the best at getting to sleep anymore. I have gotten better over the past 4 years though and am proud to say I am able to sleep 5-6 hours at a time now! That is an accomplishment for me. I still find myself, at times, walking the house at night, looking out the windows and checking the doors at night. When I was first alone with my children I would leave every light on in the house. I would sit in the silence, phone by my side, and just listen, just listen to see if I heard a noise, any noise. A door knob being turned, a window being pried open, a breath behind me, knowing it was him. I had my children sleep with me, I HAD to now they were not faraway. I wanted us all in one area at all times. I am thankful they were too young, 3 and 5, to understand what I was doing. The furniture in my house was arranged with my back absolutely NEVER being to an exit; a door, a window, anything I could get out of house in. My mother would jokingly call my house Fort Knox. I can't blame her for joking. She had no clue as to what I actually went through. That is what we do. We lie to the ones who love us the most. I believe to this day my mother or really, any family member, has no clue to how truly afraid I was of dying with his hands around my neck. I am really one of the lucky ones, I survived.

Starting this created memories

As I was writing this last night so many memories came flooding back to me. It all seems so far away now and it almost feels sometimes that it happened to a different person. I could not imagine that happening to the woman I am today. As I sat here typing last night I remembered the first argument, the first flash of shock, the first wave of pain, the first sight of blood, the first hospital visit. I lost three front teeth, had a fractured jaw, and a total of ten stitches on both lips; all from one punch, right to the mouth. It was then that the lies began. Lies to my family, my friends, my coworkers and more importantly, to myself. He cried that next night when I was released from the hospital, laying in our bed, sobbing as I had never seen a man sob. He didn't know what came over him, he was so, so, sorry!!! He would take care of me. Begged me not to leave him. I thought I MUST have done something, anything! to provoke that type of reaction, that anger, that violence! It just HAD to be me!! He was so loving at other times, flowers, walks in the park, holding hands, talking through the night. What had become of the man I fell in love with? What had I done to HIM?

Here Goes!! Excited yet nervous!

Here goes! I have wanted to start a blog for a few years. I was just never sure how to get going and like all things in life, it happened when it was ready to happen. I am sure you are wondering who I am. I am a mother, daughter, sister, niece, etc yet the most important title I carry within my soul would be that I am a survivor of domestic violence. I know most people think of a survivor as a person who survived a war, cancer, or terminal illness. I consider myself a survivor as I have survived a path, started long ago, of abuse. A path paved with heartache, pain and tears yet always trusting, always giving, and constantly believing it will never happen again. If you have been a victim you will understand how I was able to fool myself into believing that it would never happen again! If you have never been a victim then please Thank God!

The past 4 years have honestly been a struggle raising 2 children on my own. Yet knowing that I am able to wake up and see my childrens' faces and some part of my body does not feel sore or bruised or worse yet, I am in the hospital is truly a gift! I have survived!

See you tomorrow!