Allowing DV to overcome me

I have been thinking more and more about just good life my life is! When everything exploded 4 years ago and the girls and I went through counseling, the "incident," as I now call it, seemed extremely overwhelming. I reflected back on so much of my past and all of the abuse and violence I allowed myself to endured. Yes, ALLOWED! I could have walked away from alot of it and I think at the time, I felt deserving of it. My life was in a shambles. I was drinking alot, partying, not living my life, merely just existing on the sidelines of my own life. I had no goals, no aspirations. I felt insecure, lonely and worthless. I played the game, laughing and joking with people around me, acting like I knew what was going on, like the people around me really gave a shit about me! Their father was not the first abusive relationship. I seemed to seek them out, had in written on my forehead, "Please abuse me!" I would sit, drunk as hell and cry to anyone who would listen how my first husband held a sawed off shot gun to my head and dared me to cry, I would make friends with anybody I met just to have someone to talk to. I didn't care if they used me. I just wanted somebody, anybody to listen to me!! I was screaming for help but could not actually say the words, "I need help!!" The first year after "the incident," as I had previously mentioned, we all went through counseling. I threw myself head first into it. I was so tired of feeling hurt, being sore, having doctors or nurses look at me like I was so stupid, lying to people and seeing in their eyes that they really knew the truth. I constantly talked about the counseling. I wanted to save everyone that was involved in a DV situation. I joined groups, I spoke at the opening of a house in Glassboro for victims. Then after awhile I realized all I needed was to find ME, just plain old simple me, who I was, what I wanted, what I needed, what I cared about, what I like, disliked. I no longer wanted DV to define who and what I was. Yet it is such a huge part of my life, DV made me the woman I am today! I am an attractive, strong, secure and independent woman! and yes, I most definitely have survived!!