Saturday, October 8, 2011
Accepting their dad back in the picture
so their dad went to jail, court dates, testifying, and moving on with our lives. So very hard but I have never pictured myself a weak person. I just always thought I could "fix" him. He has been out of jail over a year and even took me to court for visitation. I used to think, "well, if he was dead I could at least collect his social security." that seems so cold now to wish their father dead. They would never know him, always wonder what he was like, what traits they got from him, pictures are not enough. So now I allow him to see them. I still have restraining orders for all of us but what do you do when you see your daughters eyes, filled with tears, asking you, "why can't I see my dad?" "maybe daddy is better now." It hurts when I see him. I try to look past it and have become good at hiding my feelings. My daughters do not have the same memories I have. I NEED to remember that. He never pushed them down the steps, choked them, punched them, looked at them with eyes so black and lifeless I could not look away! They do remember the last time as they were involved. He screamed at them, " Tell Mommy good-bye" I was laying on my back, on the floor, his foot on my throat, half-conscious, tears running down my face, screaming to my daughters "GET OUT OF THE HOUSE!!" My 3 year old crying and my 5 year old racing to the back door. She knew where I hid the spare key, I had taught her well! We have dead bolts on all the doors, he took all my keys, thinking he had me trapped. I WOULD listen to him NOW! I would NOT take leave his family away! I never knew my brother had decided to stop over to pick up his dog early! A knock! Banging! my brother screaming, my 5 year old crying outside the door, so far away! as I lay huddled covering my 3 year old on the floor, him pacing back and forth, knives in his hand. Hearing the sound of sirens! thinking My God, what did I EVER so wrong? It all seems so long ago. He is off the crack now, working, paying child support, telling me he does not remember. Yet he does not realize I have enough memories for all of us!!
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Oh my goodness. I can understand how you wouldn’t want their dad to see the children, but unfortunately we can’t make our kids stop loving their dads just because we did, no matter the reason. When it comes to situations like this I just remember what my mom always said about my little sisters and brothers dad when they were little. She said that we can’t force our kids to stop loving their dad and we shouldn’t try to sway their thoughts, let’s just hope that when they get older and stop “seeing" out of a child’s eyes they will see for themselves. Good luck with your kids.
ReplyDeleteYou have grown so much and are striving so diligently to do the right thing. You are a hero. kids have to experience their dad in order to make their own value judgements of his character and his ability to provide love to them. But if there is ever reason again to feel they are unsafe in his presence, you have the legal tools in place to protect them. You will always be their hero (even if they don't always acknowledge it).
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