UGHHH! I am so completely frustrated! So I allow their father to see them. I tell him when their games are, I pick him up from the bus, buy us all pretzels after the games, yes, "I" buy! so I ask him to watch the girls at my house as he can't have them at his house with his other roommates. He is on ISP, which is Intensive Supervision Program, like an early release program but you are watched and have a curfew. Basically the state is babysitting him! He says sure, he will stay all day with them. I have class saturday morning and a TON of homework to get done. Why did I really expect him to follow through? By 2pm he is telling me, "Yo, I gotta get going." A$%#H()&!!! yes, that was my thought! so now I figure let's roll with it. The girls and I will hang the rest of day, get stuff done for Halloween, clean the house, etc. I tell them on Sunday I HAVE to do my homework. I really need them to behave, play quietly, and get along. Yes, Mommy, they tell me. "We can do that."
Well, I guess we all know by this post that it did not happen! I kept trying to concentrate, starting and stopping from them bickering, separating them, bickering again, turn offf the tv, bickering again! Finally I admit it, I fu%*#ng lost it!! Even thinking about it now I feel frustrated and guilt-ridden. I screamed like a maniac and man, can I scream when I get going!! My voice got deeper, my face turned red and I swore I was dropping dead of a heart attack! I told them to get their ass dressed, yes, I cussed at them! (Good mommy!) and to get their ass out of the house! Ok, OK, I admit it, I told them to get the fuck out!! I truly lost my mind! I was shaking so bad I had no idea what to do with myself. They had until I counted to 30 to get dressed. It was actually about 2-3 minutes of me screaming and them racing around the house to get dressed. They walked outside, looking at me like I was a monster and I did not even care! I was crying, felt like I wanted to go away and never come back. I cannot explain the desperation I was feeling to get away from everything! I wondered what I had done to myself. Did I really need my degree? Did I need this extra stress? This bullshit? I kept coming back to the same answer, Hell, YES!! I have to do this. I will not struggle for the rest of my life. My girls deserve better, yes, the same girls I just locked out of the house. Yes, I locked the door as soon as they were out it! and yes, I realized it was cold and threw out hats and mittens and screamed, "Here, put these on, it's cold!!" as I sunk to the floor sobbing
So there I sat on the floor for about half an hour, just crying, shaking, wondering what the hell was wrong with me. I finally stood up, pulled my shoulders back, took a deep breath, and yes! I had a glass of wine. As I look out the window I see my girls, my 2 beautiful, wonderful daughters, playing, laughing and waving at me, yes, waving at me! smiling, throwing me kisses even! Now if that isn't guilt I don't know what is!!
We all have our bad days, but it looks like another more reliable solution than their father is needed to give you the space and place for doing homework. Peace of mind won't come through high expectations of him. And it will be getting too cold soon for the kids to play for long outside. So it seems like maybe you need a safe haven for the kids to play while you do your homework. Do you have anyone in your support system (your network of people who you can go to for help and advice) that might be able to help or to point you in the direction of someone who could help? The kids need to feel safe, loved, and worthy (not cursed at) and you need to feel like you are able to be both a good student and a good mommy (which you are). Turn the guilt around and look at it as a life challenge. Research possibilities, reach out for help, think creatively, and pray for answers. Could be another mommy needs some down time too, and you could trade off with her taking the kids for half a day one day and you taking hers for half a day on another day. That would give you complete peace for a bit of time every week. Could be a grandma (whose grandchildren live far away) is in need of some substitute grandchildren to love up on once in a while. Endless possibilities...
ReplyDeleteWow. Some days I feel exactly the same. Very overwhelmed and under appreciated. Unfortunately those are the woes of single parenting. Yes it was extreme to scream and curse at your kids. You also need to think of how they responded to it. Did it go over quickly because they had flashbacks and think you are going to treat them like their dad did you,or do they know that mommy is tired and we drove her crazy and she will never hurt us. like Pam said, with the cold weather, it is just going to get worse. What I try to do is do my HW later at night or when their doing their own, because on the weekends if the have no where safe to go, they are all in yours all day.LOL. Good luck and stick to it because Yes, your education is very important to you and your children.
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ReplyDeleteI think everyone has those days. After all of the stress of school and life piled up you hit your breaking point. Which is completely natural. Growing up my parents would have the occasional blow up towards my sister and me, I knew that they loved me but that I had to stay out of their hair for a little bit. Maybe next time you are doing homework your girls will try harder to stay out of your hair. At least that's what I tried to do. If not then I think the suggestions from Pam and Tonita are definitely something you should consider. Remember that your girls love you no matter what but you are only human, you're allowed to have those moments sometimes.
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