Out in the dating world!

UGH! is all I can say! I am so tired of meeting these men that have absolutely nothing to offer except the obvious! lol I hate that they ask me for money, ask me for a ride, and the best of all is when they tell me they are married but the marriage died a long time ago! Are you serious? I have no clue where to meet an eligible man. I sometimes wonder if I should even waste my time thinking about it, let alone worrying about it. It would be nice to have a companion, a partner, someone to hold hands with, laugh with, discuss life with over dinner, the paper over breakfast. It feels lonely sometimes and even though my life is busy, I think is this it? Is THIS really all there will be? What happens when they grow up, which will be quick, will I sit here alone? I tried the online dating and found lonely, desperate men worse off than me and didn't even realize it! We all need to be loved and feel loved and comforted, cared for and nurtured. The men my age have children out of college and already have grandchildren. I had my first daughter at 40 and my other daughter at 42. I just had to wonder am I the only single mom or person that feels this way? I can't possibly be alone but what do we do about it?

Allowing DV to overcome me

I have been thinking more and more about just good life my life is! When everything exploded 4 years ago and the girls and I went through counseling, the "incident," as I now call it, seemed extremely overwhelming. I reflected back on so much of my past and all of the abuse and violence I allowed myself to endured. Yes, ALLOWED! I could have walked away from alot of it and I think at the time, I felt deserving of it. My life was in a shambles. I was drinking alot, partying, not living my life, merely just existing on the sidelines of my own life. I had no goals, no aspirations. I felt insecure, lonely and worthless. I played the game, laughing and joking with people around me, acting like I knew what was going on, like the people around me really gave a shit about me! Their father was not the first abusive relationship. I seemed to seek them out, had in written on my forehead, "Please abuse me!" I would sit, drunk as hell and cry to anyone who would listen how my first husband held a sawed off shot gun to my head and dared me to cry, I would make friends with anybody I met just to have someone to talk to. I didn't care if they used me. I just wanted somebody, anybody to listen to me!! I was screaming for help but could not actually say the words, "I need help!!" The first year after "the incident," as I had previously mentioned, we all went through counseling. I threw myself head first into it. I was so tired of feeling hurt, being sore, having doctors or nurses look at me like I was so stupid, lying to people and seeing in their eyes that they really knew the truth. I constantly talked about the counseling. I wanted to save everyone that was involved in a DV situation. I joined groups, I spoke at the opening of a house in Glassboro for victims. Then after awhile I realized all I needed was to find ME, just plain old simple me, who I was, what I wanted, what I needed, what I cared about, what I like, disliked. I no longer wanted DV to define who and what I was. Yet it is such a huge part of my life, DV made me the woman I am today! I am an attractive, strong, secure and independent woman! and yes, I most definitely have survived!!

Accepting their dad back in the picture

so their dad went to jail, court dates, testifying, and moving on with our lives. So very hard but I have never pictured myself a weak person. I just always thought I could "fix" him. He has been out of jail over a year and even took me to court for visitation. I used to think, "well, if he was dead I could at least collect his social security." that seems so cold now to wish their father dead. They would never know him, always wonder what he was like, what traits they got from him, pictures are not enough. So now I allow him to see them. I still have restraining orders for all of us but what do you do when you see your daughters eyes, filled with tears, asking you, "why can't I see my dad?" "maybe daddy is better now." It hurts when I see him. I try to look past it and have become good at hiding my feelings. My daughters do not have the same memories I have. I NEED to remember that. He never pushed them down the steps, choked them, punched them, looked at them with eyes so black and lifeless I could not look away! They do remember the last time as they were involved. He screamed at them, " Tell Mommy good-bye" I was laying on my back, on the floor, his foot on my throat, half-conscious, tears running down my face, screaming to my daughters "GET OUT OF THE HOUSE!!" My 3 year old crying and my 5 year old racing to the back door. She knew where I hid the spare key, I had taught her well! We have dead bolts on all the doors, he took all my keys, thinking he had me trapped. I WOULD listen to him NOW! I would NOT take leave his family away! I never knew my brother had decided to stop over to pick up his dog early! A knock! Banging! my brother screaming, my 5 year old crying outside the door, so far away! as I lay huddled covering my 3 year old on the floor, him pacing back and forth, knives in his hand. Hearing the sound of sirens! thinking My God, what did I EVER so wrong? It all seems so long ago. He is off the crack now, working, paying child support, telling me he does not remember. Yet he does not realize I have enough memories for all of us!!

Insecurities

Ahh, good old insecurities! Who doesn't have them? Does my hair look okay? Did I gain weight? Am I doing what's right for me in my life? Is my house too dirty? There are days that I feel as though I question every little thing I do or say! I was watching a show last night called "Strange Sex" and the couple amazed me! The man encouraged his wife to gain weight and they were attempting to have her weigh 1,000 lbs.!!! Yet here I sit overweight and struggling every damn day to NOT get tooooo big! As I watched the show psychologists came on and stated that it is actually a form of control!! The  goal of both the husband and wife was to have her so heavy that she would actually become immobile! She actually was looking forward to it! and I thought I was bad! lol I honestly think I am at the point that it is hard to meet a man. I feel so independent! I have my own home, vehicle, a decent job, so quite honestly, why deal with the crap? Yet I still meet men, cry when I get my feelings hurt, get disgusted and think why do I do this to myself? and next thing you know I am meeting someone new! I wonder at times why I feel the need that a man should be in my life? Are they really that important? Seriously, besides the obvious, what can he do for me? My ex used to scream how fat I was, how I would NEVER find anyone else. I wonder if that is why I still seek out someone? To prove see, yes, I can get someone else? It makes me wonder at times. Just more of my after-kids-are-in-bed rambling! lol

Another night of homework

Here I am again! Once again getting the girls to bed and doing homework, the only silence I feel I get out of the whole day! I love it! I feel so good that I am doing something so good for me and the girls! I used to feel self-destructive and not productive! My girls have given me a second life, a second chance to repair my life and be able to really enjoy all it has to offer. It is nice to walk home from the train and think what we are having movie night! We all snuggle on the sofa and eat popcorn, sitting as one, our bodies intertwined. How comforting! It makes feel like, can't really think of the right word, so many come to mind! The closest I can come is "complete." Yes, I feel complete knowing I am teaching them the right things and probably a few wrong things too! But I know I am trying my best and when the house is full of my two girls and all of their friends from the street, running around on the lawn, making a lemonade stand, sitting around in their bathing suits eating ice cream and laughing, running over to give me a hug! Yes, the homework is well worth it!

Whew! another crazy saturday!

This was today's schedule. I can understand if you feel tired by the time you are done reading it! lol We woke up at 7:30am. My children both do soccer and today was picture day. 7:45am, toast, eggs and juice as we are putting on shoes and socks. At the field at 8:30am. Pictures taken at 9:15am. Game starts early at 9:40am. Leave field at 10:50am. Home by 11am to get 7 yr old ready for a birthday party, snack, shower, dress, and drive her to the party  by 12:30 after I comb out her hair as it is a beauty salon party. The 9 yr old is out playing and thankfully out of my hair! lol Back home by 1pm after the drop off to get the 9 yr old ready for her cheer. Shower, hair!!!!!!, uniform, where are those damn socks??!!! pick up the 7 yr old by 3pm, 9 yr old , yes, at home, still looking for the damn socks!!! pack a bag, water, juice, snacks, are the chairs in the van? pick up the 7 yr old friend who is sleeping over tonight at 4pm, leave the house at 4:30pm for the ride to Pennsville, NJ. Arrive at 5 and keep the 2 seven year olds entertained and , of course, fed by the overpriced snack bar for 2 hours while rooting for the 9 year old cheering! Leave at 7pm for the ride back home, now dropping off a cheerleader friend in the next town and stopping at WAWA for hot chocolate since it is soooo cold they all tell me. I think they just wanted the hot chocolate! lol Walk in our front door by 8:30pm, they are STILL hungry! and the 2 seven year olds now want to get a bath! why say no? sure, in the bath they go! sit with my sister for about an hour, well, really, she keeps me company while I clean up the kitchen, run up to check on them in the bath and talk to the 9 yr old abut her school project! My sister leaves at 10:30 and it is time to sign on and try to get some homework done! WHEW!!! Seer you tomorrow! oh, wait! I have to get the girls to bed! lol Good night!