Holiday Time

Well, the tree is up! Thank you to my sister for lending us her tree when we lost a major part of ours! lol  and the lights are hung up outisde! The house looks so pretty with the lights on the lawn and the tree in the window. There are times I pull in my driveway and think, "Wow, I really do live here!" I have worked so hard to keep our home and some months it is a struggle to keep up but I could not imagine us living anywhere else. We moved into this houe when my youngest daughter was 3 months old and now she will be 8 next month. So many memories cherished and memories I wish I did not have. Although I would not be the person I am today if I had not gone through the good and bad times. As the end of the year approaches I often tend to reflect, not only on the past year, but on my life. I am unsure if this a sign of aging or just gaining wisdom, maybe alittle of both? I often feel wistful about some of the things I feel I could have changed, a different path I could have taken. I really do believe that God gives us choices. The path is yours for the choosing. I look back and think if I would have done one thing different and wonder how it would have affected my life. Would I have my children? Would I feel as independent as I now do? Would I have the self-confidence I now feel? Some many thoughts race through my mind. Would I have been happy? Would I be on a cruise with my millionaire husband, my perfect children in college? lol NAHHHH!! I will gladly take the life I have now and you know why? Because the 2 little angels sleeping upstairs would not have it any other way! and they are the only reason I have survived!

Life is good, thats what they say!

am i the only one that feels pain? I hate my mother and sister for supporting my alcoholic sister and brother-in-law. I hate acting like it doesn't affect me. I hate trying to remove myself from the situation and I really cannot! I hate that she is an alcoholic. I hate that she did not raise her children. I hate that she cannot pull herself up and out of her pity! What makes one person stronger than another? I There are days, weeks! I would love to lose myself and feel like I don't care. I have become a master of disguise. A master at hiding how I feel, what affects me, my life, my childrens lives. Then I think am I the only one? People ask each other every day, how are you? Do they really want to know? Would it surprise someone if I broke down in tears and revealed the pain and hurt that I truly feel? I know I am not the only person in a dysfunctional family but how do you change it? I feel some days like just ditching it all! If not for my children and the love I feel for them I think I would have lost it! I love them so much I cannot catch my breath at times. I look at them and think there are no words! no words that can describe how beautiful they are, how truly spectacular they make me feel! The love I feel from them, the smile when they see me after work like I have been gone forever! How can one person possibly love another so much? I look to the heavens and thank God for saving me.

My daughter was alittle past 3 years old. I heard her crying, waking up from a nap. I ran up the stairs to comfort her. I held in my arms and told her, "Angelina, it's okay, mommy's here!" She looked at me as though she were awake. Her eyes piercing through me, so much love, so much trust. As the tears rolled down her face, in her semi-sleep, she placed her little arms around my neck and held me so tight tears came to my eyes. She looked me in the eyes and said, " Mommy, I was flying in the sky for so long I thought I would never find you!" "For so long, Mommy, I was looking for you, I'm so glad I found you." I will always remember that day, that feeling that God chose ME, trusted me to be a mommy to one of his angels. Yes, life is good!

Menopause

Yes, the big M! A blessing and a curse! I am done!!! YES!!! lol No more! Finite! Finished!! Game Over!!! lol I have noticed the changes in my body over the past year, some good, some not so good. The insomnia I can deal with. I have not been much of a sleeper anyway the past few years. I have become an expert on Bridezilla and Jerseylicious. The reruns are on late at night and it is mindless tv so I watch, then channelsurf, then go back and watch some more. The hot flashes get me at times. It feels like a warm blanket wrapped around me and I can't get out of it! I can feel the flash creep up my arms, up my neck until my face is red and I'm like"Whew!!!" It doesn't last too long but they are frequent. The moods really bother me! I finally called my doctor and he suggested I go on hormones. He seems rather blase about it. I asked enough questions but he still think sit is the best way to go. He said all the symptons; hot flashes, insomnia, moods, are all part of loss of estrogen. Who knew? I have the prescription but am still not sure. The moods come almost like a cycle. I was a mess last week and now feel like me again. I had a talk with the girls about it. I let them ask me questions and tried to answer the best I could. My 7 year old said she knew something was wrong! lol They said I look like a chicken when I get that angry and my hands are on my hips and my head is bopping around. We all laughed picturing it and them imitating me. I think we will all survive the big "M" due to our being able to sit and talk to each other and laugh about things later. Yes, we will survive!

Guilt

UGHHH! I am so completely frustrated! So I allow their father to see them. I tell him when their games are, I pick him up from the bus, buy us all pretzels after the games, yes, "I" buy! so I ask him to watch the girls at my house as he can't have them at his house with his other roommates. He is on ISP, which is Intensive Supervision Program, like an early release program but you are watched and have a curfew. Basically the state is babysitting him! He says sure, he will stay all day with them. I have class saturday morning and a TON of homework to get done. Why did I really expect him to follow through? By 2pm he is telling me, "Yo, I gotta get going." A$%#H()&!!! yes, that was my thought! so now I figure let's roll with it. The girls and I will hang the rest of day, get stuff done for Halloween, clean the house, etc. I tell them on Sunday I HAVE to do my homework. I really need them to behave, play quietly, and get along. Yes, Mommy, they tell me. "We can do that."

Well, I guess we all know by this post that it did not happen! I kept trying to concentrate, starting and stopping from them bickering, separating them, bickering again, turn offf the tv, bickering again! Finally I admit it, I fu%*#ng lost it!! Even thinking about it now I feel frustrated and guilt-ridden. I screamed like a maniac and man, can I scream when I get going!! My voice got deeper, my face turned red and I swore I was dropping dead of a heart attack! I told them to get their ass dressed, yes, I cussed at them! (Good mommy!) and to get their ass out of the house! Ok, OK, I admit it, I told them to get the fuck out!! I truly lost my mind! I was shaking so bad I had no idea what to do with myself. They had until I counted to 30 to get dressed. It was actually about 2-3 minutes of me screaming and them racing around the house to get dressed. They walked outside, looking at me like I was a monster and I did not even care! I was crying, felt like I wanted to go away and never come back. I cannot explain the desperation I was feeling to get away from everything! I wondered what I had done to myself. Did I really need my degree? Did I need this extra stress? This bullshit? I kept coming back to the same answer, Hell, YES!! I have to do this. I will not struggle for the rest of my life. My girls deserve better, yes, the same girls I just locked out of the house. Yes, I locked the door as soon as they were out it! and yes, I realized it was cold and threw out hats and mittens and screamed, "Here, put these on, it's cold!!" as I sunk to the floor sobbing

So there I sat on the floor for about half an hour, just crying, shaking, wondering what the hell was wrong with me. I finally stood up, pulled my shoulders back, took a deep breath, and yes! I had a glass of wine. As I look out the window I see my girls, my 2 beautiful, wonderful daughters, playing, laughing and waving at me, yes, waving at me! smiling, throwing me kisses even! Now if that isn't guilt I don't know what is!!

Out in the dating world!

UGH! is all I can say! I am so tired of meeting these men that have absolutely nothing to offer except the obvious! lol I hate that they ask me for money, ask me for a ride, and the best of all is when they tell me they are married but the marriage died a long time ago! Are you serious? I have no clue where to meet an eligible man. I sometimes wonder if I should even waste my time thinking about it, let alone worrying about it. It would be nice to have a companion, a partner, someone to hold hands with, laugh with, discuss life with over dinner, the paper over breakfast. It feels lonely sometimes and even though my life is busy, I think is this it? Is THIS really all there will be? What happens when they grow up, which will be quick, will I sit here alone? I tried the online dating and found lonely, desperate men worse off than me and didn't even realize it! We all need to be loved and feel loved and comforted, cared for and nurtured. The men my age have children out of college and already have grandchildren. I had my first daughter at 40 and my other daughter at 42. I just had to wonder am I the only single mom or person that feels this way? I can't possibly be alone but what do we do about it?

Allowing DV to overcome me

I have been thinking more and more about just good life my life is! When everything exploded 4 years ago and the girls and I went through counseling, the "incident," as I now call it, seemed extremely overwhelming. I reflected back on so much of my past and all of the abuse and violence I allowed myself to endured. Yes, ALLOWED! I could have walked away from alot of it and I think at the time, I felt deserving of it. My life was in a shambles. I was drinking alot, partying, not living my life, merely just existing on the sidelines of my own life. I had no goals, no aspirations. I felt insecure, lonely and worthless. I played the game, laughing and joking with people around me, acting like I knew what was going on, like the people around me really gave a shit about me! Their father was not the first abusive relationship. I seemed to seek them out, had in written on my forehead, "Please abuse me!" I would sit, drunk as hell and cry to anyone who would listen how my first husband held a sawed off shot gun to my head and dared me to cry, I would make friends with anybody I met just to have someone to talk to. I didn't care if they used me. I just wanted somebody, anybody to listen to me!! I was screaming for help but could not actually say the words, "I need help!!" The first year after "the incident," as I had previously mentioned, we all went through counseling. I threw myself head first into it. I was so tired of feeling hurt, being sore, having doctors or nurses look at me like I was so stupid, lying to people and seeing in their eyes that they really knew the truth. I constantly talked about the counseling. I wanted to save everyone that was involved in a DV situation. I joined groups, I spoke at the opening of a house in Glassboro for victims. Then after awhile I realized all I needed was to find ME, just plain old simple me, who I was, what I wanted, what I needed, what I cared about, what I like, disliked. I no longer wanted DV to define who and what I was. Yet it is such a huge part of my life, DV made me the woman I am today! I am an attractive, strong, secure and independent woman! and yes, I most definitely have survived!!

Accepting their dad back in the picture

so their dad went to jail, court dates, testifying, and moving on with our lives. So very hard but I have never pictured myself a weak person. I just always thought I could "fix" him. He has been out of jail over a year and even took me to court for visitation. I used to think, "well, if he was dead I could at least collect his social security." that seems so cold now to wish their father dead. They would never know him, always wonder what he was like, what traits they got from him, pictures are not enough. So now I allow him to see them. I still have restraining orders for all of us but what do you do when you see your daughters eyes, filled with tears, asking you, "why can't I see my dad?" "maybe daddy is better now." It hurts when I see him. I try to look past it and have become good at hiding my feelings. My daughters do not have the same memories I have. I NEED to remember that. He never pushed them down the steps, choked them, punched them, looked at them with eyes so black and lifeless I could not look away! They do remember the last time as they were involved. He screamed at them, " Tell Mommy good-bye" I was laying on my back, on the floor, his foot on my throat, half-conscious, tears running down my face, screaming to my daughters "GET OUT OF THE HOUSE!!" My 3 year old crying and my 5 year old racing to the back door. She knew where I hid the spare key, I had taught her well! We have dead bolts on all the doors, he took all my keys, thinking he had me trapped. I WOULD listen to him NOW! I would NOT take leave his family away! I never knew my brother had decided to stop over to pick up his dog early! A knock! Banging! my brother screaming, my 5 year old crying outside the door, so far away! as I lay huddled covering my 3 year old on the floor, him pacing back and forth, knives in his hand. Hearing the sound of sirens! thinking My God, what did I EVER so wrong? It all seems so long ago. He is off the crack now, working, paying child support, telling me he does not remember. Yet he does not realize I have enough memories for all of us!!