Need to apologize

Hi, I need to apologize! As I read over my posts I realized that I was dwelling on the past. I named this blog Living After DV to talk about what life has been like now that I am "DV Free" as I like to call it! lol The last incident was 4 years ago, August, 2007 and I cannot begin to describe the joyful moments my children and I have experienced since then! A police officer that evening gave me information for a program called "PALS" conducted by The Center for Family Services in Camden. PALS is an acronym for "Peace: A Learned Solution." It was the first time I had ever heard of this program. I am grateful that the police officer had the insight and knowledge about the cycle of domestic violence and offered me this valuable information.

My children and I attended 6 months of twice weekly meetings, broken up into various age groups. I had never realized how far reaching the pain of DV truly reached! We were not so alone! There were families there just like us; emotionally scarred, physically bruised and broken, shocked into reality by the anger and violence of another. HOW WONDERFUL!! I LOVE PALS! They helped me to understand so much! I know it was information I had heard before over the years, in the hospital, at the police station, by friends, and family but now I was READY to hear it and LEARN from it! It is almost like an addict reaching bottom. You have to be ready to leave, ready to change, ready to survive!

Another sleepless night

Hi, I am not the best at getting to sleep anymore. I have gotten better over the past 4 years though and am proud to say I am able to sleep 5-6 hours at a time now! That is an accomplishment for me. I still find myself, at times, walking the house at night, looking out the windows and checking the doors at night. When I was first alone with my children I would leave every light on in the house. I would sit in the silence, phone by my side, and just listen, just listen to see if I heard a noise, any noise. A door knob being turned, a window being pried open, a breath behind me, knowing it was him. I had my children sleep with me, I HAD to now they were not faraway. I wanted us all in one area at all times. I am thankful they were too young, 3 and 5, to understand what I was doing. The furniture in my house was arranged with my back absolutely NEVER being to an exit; a door, a window, anything I could get out of house in. My mother would jokingly call my house Fort Knox. I can't blame her for joking. She had no clue as to what I actually went through. That is what we do. We lie to the ones who love us the most. I believe to this day my mother or really, any family member, has no clue to how truly afraid I was of dying with his hands around my neck. I am really one of the lucky ones, I survived.

Starting this created memories

As I was writing this last night so many memories came flooding back to me. It all seems so far away now and it almost feels sometimes that it happened to a different person. I could not imagine that happening to the woman I am today. As I sat here typing last night I remembered the first argument, the first flash of shock, the first wave of pain, the first sight of blood, the first hospital visit. I lost three front teeth, had a fractured jaw, and a total of ten stitches on both lips; all from one punch, right to the mouth. It was then that the lies began. Lies to my family, my friends, my coworkers and more importantly, to myself. He cried that next night when I was released from the hospital, laying in our bed, sobbing as I had never seen a man sob. He didn't know what came over him, he was so, so, sorry!!! He would take care of me. Begged me not to leave him. I thought I MUST have done something, anything! to provoke that type of reaction, that anger, that violence! It just HAD to be me!! He was so loving at other times, flowers, walks in the park, holding hands, talking through the night. What had become of the man I fell in love with? What had I done to HIM?

Here Goes!! Excited yet nervous!

Here goes! I have wanted to start a blog for a few years. I was just never sure how to get going and like all things in life, it happened when it was ready to happen. I am sure you are wondering who I am. I am a mother, daughter, sister, niece, etc yet the most important title I carry within my soul would be that I am a survivor of domestic violence. I know most people think of a survivor as a person who survived a war, cancer, or terminal illness. I consider myself a survivor as I have survived a path, started long ago, of abuse. A path paved with heartache, pain and tears yet always trusting, always giving, and constantly believing it will never happen again. If you have been a victim you will understand how I was able to fool myself into believing that it would never happen again! If you have never been a victim then please Thank God!

The past 4 years have honestly been a struggle raising 2 children on my own. Yet knowing that I am able to wake up and see my childrens' faces and some part of my body does not feel sore or bruised or worse yet, I am in the hospital is truly a gift! I have survived!

See you tomorrow!