Life is good, thats what they say!

am i the only one that feels pain? I hate my mother and sister for supporting my alcoholic sister and brother-in-law. I hate acting like it doesn't affect me. I hate trying to remove myself from the situation and I really cannot! I hate that she is an alcoholic. I hate that she did not raise her children. I hate that she cannot pull herself up and out of her pity! What makes one person stronger than another? I There are days, weeks! I would love to lose myself and feel like I don't care. I have become a master of disguise. A master at hiding how I feel, what affects me, my life, my childrens lives. Then I think am I the only one? People ask each other every day, how are you? Do they really want to know? Would it surprise someone if I broke down in tears and revealed the pain and hurt that I truly feel? I know I am not the only person in a dysfunctional family but how do you change it? I feel some days like just ditching it all! If not for my children and the love I feel for them I think I would have lost it! I love them so much I cannot catch my breath at times. I look at them and think there are no words! no words that can describe how beautiful they are, how truly spectacular they make me feel! The love I feel from them, the smile when they see me after work like I have been gone forever! How can one person possibly love another so much? I look to the heavens and thank God for saving me.

My daughter was alittle past 3 years old. I heard her crying, waking up from a nap. I ran up the stairs to comfort her. I held in my arms and told her, "Angelina, it's okay, mommy's here!" She looked at me as though she were awake. Her eyes piercing through me, so much love, so much trust. As the tears rolled down her face, in her semi-sleep, she placed her little arms around my neck and held me so tight tears came to my eyes. She looked me in the eyes and said, " Mommy, I was flying in the sky for so long I thought I would never find you!" "For so long, Mommy, I was looking for you, I'm so glad I found you." I will always remember that day, that feeling that God chose ME, trusted me to be a mommy to one of his angels. Yes, life is good!

Menopause

Yes, the big M! A blessing and a curse! I am done!!! YES!!! lol No more! Finite! Finished!! Game Over!!! lol I have noticed the changes in my body over the past year, some good, some not so good. The insomnia I can deal with. I have not been much of a sleeper anyway the past few years. I have become an expert on Bridezilla and Jerseylicious. The reruns are on late at night and it is mindless tv so I watch, then channelsurf, then go back and watch some more. The hot flashes get me at times. It feels like a warm blanket wrapped around me and I can't get out of it! I can feel the flash creep up my arms, up my neck until my face is red and I'm like"Whew!!!" It doesn't last too long but they are frequent. The moods really bother me! I finally called my doctor and he suggested I go on hormones. He seems rather blase about it. I asked enough questions but he still think sit is the best way to go. He said all the symptons; hot flashes, insomnia, moods, are all part of loss of estrogen. Who knew? I have the prescription but am still not sure. The moods come almost like a cycle. I was a mess last week and now feel like me again. I had a talk with the girls about it. I let them ask me questions and tried to answer the best I could. My 7 year old said she knew something was wrong! lol They said I look like a chicken when I get that angry and my hands are on my hips and my head is bopping around. We all laughed picturing it and them imitating me. I think we will all survive the big "M" due to our being able to sit and talk to each other and laugh about things later. Yes, we will survive!

Guilt

UGHHH! I am so completely frustrated! So I allow their father to see them. I tell him when their games are, I pick him up from the bus, buy us all pretzels after the games, yes, "I" buy! so I ask him to watch the girls at my house as he can't have them at his house with his other roommates. He is on ISP, which is Intensive Supervision Program, like an early release program but you are watched and have a curfew. Basically the state is babysitting him! He says sure, he will stay all day with them. I have class saturday morning and a TON of homework to get done. Why did I really expect him to follow through? By 2pm he is telling me, "Yo, I gotta get going." A$%#H()&!!! yes, that was my thought! so now I figure let's roll with it. The girls and I will hang the rest of day, get stuff done for Halloween, clean the house, etc. I tell them on Sunday I HAVE to do my homework. I really need them to behave, play quietly, and get along. Yes, Mommy, they tell me. "We can do that."

Well, I guess we all know by this post that it did not happen! I kept trying to concentrate, starting and stopping from them bickering, separating them, bickering again, turn offf the tv, bickering again! Finally I admit it, I fu%*#ng lost it!! Even thinking about it now I feel frustrated and guilt-ridden. I screamed like a maniac and man, can I scream when I get going!! My voice got deeper, my face turned red and I swore I was dropping dead of a heart attack! I told them to get their ass dressed, yes, I cussed at them! (Good mommy!) and to get their ass out of the house! Ok, OK, I admit it, I told them to get the fuck out!! I truly lost my mind! I was shaking so bad I had no idea what to do with myself. They had until I counted to 30 to get dressed. It was actually about 2-3 minutes of me screaming and them racing around the house to get dressed. They walked outside, looking at me like I was a monster and I did not even care! I was crying, felt like I wanted to go away and never come back. I cannot explain the desperation I was feeling to get away from everything! I wondered what I had done to myself. Did I really need my degree? Did I need this extra stress? This bullshit? I kept coming back to the same answer, Hell, YES!! I have to do this. I will not struggle for the rest of my life. My girls deserve better, yes, the same girls I just locked out of the house. Yes, I locked the door as soon as they were out it! and yes, I realized it was cold and threw out hats and mittens and screamed, "Here, put these on, it's cold!!" as I sunk to the floor sobbing

So there I sat on the floor for about half an hour, just crying, shaking, wondering what the hell was wrong with me. I finally stood up, pulled my shoulders back, took a deep breath, and yes! I had a glass of wine. As I look out the window I see my girls, my 2 beautiful, wonderful daughters, playing, laughing and waving at me, yes, waving at me! smiling, throwing me kisses even! Now if that isn't guilt I don't know what is!!